In my 40-year therapy practice with both UMD faculty and others I have seen hundreds of people struggling with various medical conditions, oftentimes debilitating and deadly, and usually with varying degrees of chronic pain. The challenge has been to help them maintain their spirit, hope and overall mental health. The most frequent emotional responses to chronic medical conditions are loss, anxiety and depression. We grieve for the loss of our “healthy selves.” We can become depressed that things will never change, which can lead to a loss of hope. And we become anxious about so many things: controlling our pain, losing control over bodily capabilities and functions, and ultimately, worry about whether this could lead to death.
The most dangerous reality of depression is that it can lead to despair, and working to stay out of that emotional zone takes effort. The noted researcher on courage, vulnerability and shame, Brene Brown, offers the following: “The research shows that hope is a powerful antidote to despair. Hope is a cognitive behavioral process and not an emotion (C.R. Snyder). It’s about having a goal, a pathway to achieve that goal, and a sense of agency or “I can do this.” (https://bit.ly/3Co5PTT).
I have continually been amazed at the variety of creative ways that people have been able to manage their psychological well-being during these times. In anticipation of writing this article, I surveyed my current and past client network to collect some of these practices and will list a few of them here.
The question I asked was: “If you have a medical condition(s) and/or struggle with chronic or acute pain, what behaviors and thoughts help you manage your spirit in getting through this?”
Most of the responses came in two categories. The way we THINK about these conditions and ACTIONS we take to manage the conditions and how we feel about them.
The following are quotes from survey respondents, some of whom are clients and some are friends, starting with what they considered to be helpful.
Thoughts:
-
- “The way I feel right now is not permanent.”
- “What can I do today to inch closer to feeling better?”
- “Having dealt with several medical conditions for the majority of my life, I have found that the best defense is to NOT make them the center of my life.”
- “I have ALWAYS been able to handle adversity in the past.”
- “This is the new normal, better get used to it.”
- “Exercise is good so get off the couch and move.”
- “Motion is Lotion.”
- “I can actually still do many of these physical activities, just in a modified way.”
- “It helps to lower my expectations around the unrealistic thought that I should not be experiencing ANY pain.”
- “Remaining optimistic and always thinking that there is likely something out there that can help me is key for my mental health. Never give up hope.”
- “I try to listen to my body. If it says I am tired – I rest.”
- “I refuse to let the diagnosis define me. While the pain changes how I show up some days, it does NOT change who I am.”
- “I use techniques I have learned through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and prayer. God gives me relief, somehow enabling me to bear it until it ebbs or wanes or becomes manageable again.”
The remaining quotes are ACTIONS that they have taken:
-
- “You can’t deal with everything on your own. I am very independent and tried to keep all of it to myself. When a dean asked me if I was okay (I had lost a lot of weight), I told him and he had a huge sigh of relief. He was afraid I had some fatal illness vs. a flare up of a chronic condition. I soon realized the importance of letting some folks know what was going on with me. I discovered that I was not alone. One colleague had the same condition, and others knew people who did. I ended up with more support than I could have imagined.”
- “Finding something you love to do can be both a luxury and a distraction. Keep moving in mind, body and spirit, but give yourself permission to stop and take a break.”
- “Trying to force myself to socialize even when I don’t feel like it is almost always worth the effort. It also helps to have pets.”
- “I love to check in on my friends and family and do things to help others. This takes me outside of myself.”
- “Friends, the beach, and chardonnay.”
In Summary, since most of us in retirement are more than likely experiencing some level of physical and/or emotional pain or dealing with ongoing medical challenges, hopefully some of these above quotes will prove to be helpful in your own journey. As always, please feel free to reach out to me to discuss further.